The Big Question 'Why'

I guess I've always dreaded getting old.  It's not the wrinkles, sags or male pattern baldness that I feared.  No, it's the progressive loss of physical abilities that I feared most. 

I was born with cerebral palsy, so my physical activities have always been limited, but I never realized that my condition would get progressively worse as I got older.  I never thought I'd stop walking in my 30s or that I'd be in a nursing home when I was 45.  Nobody warned me this would happen.

Growing up, I accepted my disability without a lot of questions.  Sure, I sometimes wondered 'Why me?'  But I just accepted it as my lot in life.  Even though I didn't understand it, I knew that God created me and that He must have a purpose for it.  My life verse became Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

It wasn't until this latest physical attack on my body (spinal stenosis) in 2013 that I really began to have questions.  Why was this happening?  Hadn't I been through enough?  Why did God let this happen to me?  WHY, WHY, WHY?

It's a natural question to ask, but I felt bad for even questioning God.  I started thinking maybe this was my fault or that I didn't have enough faith to believe God could heal me.  I prayed for that healing many times, and I knew hundreds of people were praying for me through Facebook and church.

So why was nothing happening?  Even after my surgery in January 2014, I still wasn't getting any better.  I just didn't understand why.

A year later, I still don't have all the answers.  But through a series of events and by listening to some good teaching by my awesome pastors at Briarwood Church, I've finally begun to come to terms with my circumstances.

WALKING BY FAITH
Pastor Lynn taught a series on "Encountering God" and said this:  "If we understood everything, we wouldn't have to walk by faith."  That really stuck with me.  The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 5:7 "For we walk by faith, not by sight."  If we understood everything that happens to us, we wouldn't need to trust God.  We would depend on ourselves instead of putting our complete trust in God.  Walking by faith means we may not understand everything in the here and now, but we know God's plan is always perfect and He will bring us through any trial.

I often have wondered if this condition was somehow my fault because of some sin in my life.  I thought maybe I brought this on myself.

In his part of the "Encountering God" series, Pastor Matt taught about the man born blind in John 9: "As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?” “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him."

Pastor Matt said some things happen to us in order to lead us (or to lead others) to an encounter with God.  I think that's true in my situation.  I have prayed more and sought God more in the last year than any other time in my life.  It led me to a new encounter with God.

I also think God has been able to use my situation to lead others to an encounter with Himself.  While I was in rehab in Amarillo, I had the chance to share my faith with several people through my book, Through Eyes of Faith.  Several people told me the book helped them get closer to God.  One nurse in particular bought the book for her mother and said it helped her mom and changed her life.  I met people while in rehab that I probably never would have met otherwise.  I like to believe that God was able to use the book to bring others to an encounter with Himself.  

A MYSTERY
I still wonder sometimes why I haven't been healed.  Even as a child, I believed and prayed that God would heal me, but He hasn't.  Why?  I've never understood why some people are healed instantly, and others aren't.

But in the "Encountering God" series, Pastor Lynn talked a lot about healing.  He gave the most honest answer I've ever heard for why some are healed and others aren't.  He said, "Beats me!!  I. Don't. Know. Why."  Most people, especially preachers, would never admit that.  Truth is, no one knows why.  Pastor Lynn said there is an "element of mystery" involved.  We may never know the full reason until we get to heaven.

The pastor said we should put our faith on God himself instead of pinning our hopes on a desired outcome.  God WILL answer our prayer, but it might not be in the way we expected. 

In another sermon, Pastor Lynn showed us that our plans aren't always God's plans, but God's plans are always best!!   He said, "We have a limited view.  We need to realize that our momentary judgment on the situation is colored by our own human limitations.  We cannot see what God can see.  He sees not only today, He sees tomorrow too.  He doesn't do things the way we think He will, but His plans are always best."

Those words helped me realize that God really does know what's best for me.  No matter what I go through in life, I just need to put my hopes and trust on God.  I am not alone.  He is for me.  He will never disappoint me.

I need to remember that the hard times are only temporary.  They won't last!  In 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, it says, "So we do not lose heart. Even though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day.  For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure,  because we look not at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen; for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal."

I want to learn to be like the apostle Paul when he said, "I’ve learned to be content in whatever situation I’m in."   That's hard to do sometimes, but in the end, we will achieve an eternal victory if we keep our trust in God.  I've come a long way, but I'm still learning to find that place of contentment.  In the meantime, I'm going to keep my trust in God.  He will see me through!